Putting Humanity Back into Deathcare


The Internet is literally crawling with people who have reinvented themselves from pitiful loners to supreme gurus of life, death and everything in and around those two great mysteries. On the one hand you have to admire them for their capacity to make real their fantasies and virtual lifestyles but on the other hand you have to take two steps back to get the whole pitiful picture. These maladjusted spirits are out there posing as leaders and innovators — fabricators would be a more accurate description — and many readers are so naïve as to accept the rubbish they publish as Gospel truth.

It's not about revenues or stats, it's about bereavement and grief!

It’s not about revenues or stats, it’s about bereavement and grief!


Their readers are unable to separate truth from fiction, originality from plagiarism, or fact from flatulence.

What’s worse, those readers actually fuel the smoldering information-dump fire these pseudo-pundits have ignited, actually giving them unearned credibility. Most of this is due to their attractive web presences with sophisticated websites all shiny and colorful but even more is due to the inability of readers to separate truth from fiction, originality from plagiarism, and fact from flatulence.

We have such entities as the Funeral Commander (Death with a military macho twist complete with camouflage fatigues and cigar! A real comedy flair.), Death and the Maiden (bringing sexism, feminism to death; we doubt that the author is anything close to a “maiden”), Natural Death Center (provides funeral advice from of all places the UK!), Funeralwise (a fairly worthwhile site, general information), Funeral Insider (touts itself as “the nation’s No. 1 newsletter for funeral service professionals”), Final Passages (“the first organization in the United States with the mission to inform and educate the public about their rights to care for their own dead.” How to bury your own dead? as if bereavement weren’t confusing enough), Everplans (a complete archive of everything your loved ones will need should something happen to you, that is, if you should die), and the list could go on ad nauseum. While some of these entities are there just to indoctrinate and to infect the reader with misinformation or information that is self-serving or simply to titillate the reading public’s fascination with the great denial, death, others do, in a good moment, provide some reliable information. But those moments are few and far between. You have to have some basis for assessing the information as reliable; that’s the hitch. It’s not reliable just because it’s on a colorful Internet website or blog.

The Gordian Knot of Grief

The Gordian Knot of Grief

Then there are the (psycho)spiritual guides, the ones who know all you need to know and more about the mystery of death and dying. They’ve discovered the Rosetta stone for unraveling the Gordian knot of the great crossing over. What most of these people are doing is broadcasting their own doubts, fears, speculations in the vain hope of having them validated by a following, which is what happens. So you have small communities forming around these very human and very vulnerable seekers. Very frequently I have to ask myself when surveying these sites, “Have they ever reached in to themselves? Is the problem that they have always been looking outside of themselves for the answers and, not finding them in their immediate space, now they are looking in cyberspace. How sad that they are reaching out ever farther from the real answer within themselves!

One of the most visible, not necessarily the biggest nor the most widely read violators of Internet trust is ConnectingDirectors, an online publication that touts itself as being God’s unique gift to the the funeral industry, and the one source for all the information a funeral director needs in order to crush the competition. Well, it’s like the story of the coconut-eating rats:

coconut-eating-rats

“Once upon a time there was an island on which the islanders depended for their very existence their coconuts. Then, somewhere out at sea, a ship was wrecked and its wreckage floated onto the island’s shores with a very special manifest of passengers: rats. Well the rats loved the island and loved its coconuts even more, and soon their population grew and grew and grew, until it threatened the very survival of the islanders. One very wise elder came forward with an idea: Let’s capture a number of these creatures, place them in a pit with some coconuts, when they devour the coconuts and become hungry again, they’ll start devouring each other. And so it happened. Once the rats had consumed the coconuts in the pit, they started devouring each other. Once the captive rats were released on the island, the islanders no longer had a problem with coconut-eating rats…because now they had rat-eating rats. The rat population soon disappeared once the last rat-eating rat starved to death for lack of rats.”

There’s little or no originality to these myriad sites sharing their instabilities and vulnerability cloaked in illusory intelligence; they are beta-testing their own speculations or are literally re-publishing information, frequently not vetted, from other sources, acting like a sort of unauthorized information clearing house with no authentic credentials.

oracleTrue sages never give a clear answer. The great Oracles always left the seeker wondering what the answer meant. Any parable worth the telling never provided true peace of mind. What they all do was make the recipient of the message think. Think!
Whether the sage’s metaphors were vague or the Oracle’s message cryptic or the parable disruptive of one’s world view, the one thing they all do is make one think, reflect, contemplate. You see, the problem today is that we no longer know how to think, to reflect, to contemplate. We have lost touch with the depth and all of its healing power and its risks, its paradox of opportunity and risk.

Thogmartin is using a shotgun technique

So, then, taking the Internet entrepreneur ConnectingDirectors as an example of what confronts us, what amounts to outright attempts to disabuse us of our natural answer-finding capabilities, one operator in the cyberuniverse of virtual consultants, let’s take a closer look at what ConnectingDirectors is actually providing. Sometimes, when reading CD, we get the impression Thogmartin is using a shotgun technique to hit everything on the target: out of the one side of his mouth he’s touting how to pay “thousands less for a funeral” while out of the other side of his mouth he’s telling funeral service professionals how to sell top-of-the-line products and maximize their revenues. While addressing the interests of the small to medium funeral home or funeral home group, he’s glorifying the factory-funeral providers and all their clever machinations to gobble up the small to medium funeral home operators to provide “personalized” cookie-cutter funeral products! We have to ask which team Thogmartin is playing on because his messages are very, very mixed.

What Mr Thogmartin and the funeral corporations seem to have missed is that it’s not about merchandising, or selling services, or about statistics or revenues; it’s about a respected and honorable profession compassionately caring for human beings in death and their survivors in coping with death. That’s why it’s called deathCARE. It’s about providing competent care to human beings faced with loss and existential crisis, human beings who desperately need companioning and real warmth, support, and a guide for the arduous trek towards healing and transformation. Something ConnectingDirectors, the funeral corporations and social media do not and cannot provide; they, in fact, have the potential to do more damage than good.

Quiz: What does this man need? Compassion or a cheap funeral?

Quiz: What does this man need? Compassion or a cheap funeral?

First of all, CD is the invention of one Ryan Thogmartin, who describes his two cyberprogeny, Connecting Directors and Disrupt Media, both LLCs, as “the premier progressive online publication for funeral professionals…is a thriving global publication with a reader base of over 15,000 of the most elite and forward-thinking professionals in the industry,” fairly read that’s a pretty hyperbolic claim and one Mr Thogmartin might have trouble substantiating, if called upon to do so. And there’s Thogmartin’s social media marketing solutions firm, Disrupt MG, which according to Mr T., “focuses on proficiently assisting small businesses in creating engaging social media marketing strategies,” but according to what standards of performance is our question. What Thogmartin is doing, actually, is inventing an online persona to sell his skills as a virtual person and his attempt to infect a vulnerable minority of funeral service professionals with the suicidal idea that social media is the only way to survive. What Thogmartin seems to have lost is his humanity and his sensitivity to the real essential element of funeralization: compassion and ritual.

Ever feel like you've been baited, trapped and ... ?

Ever feel like you’ve been
baited, trapped and … ?

What Thogmartin is in effect preaching — for his own interests, ego and profit — is that funeral professionals should (1) become rat-eating rats, and (2) distance themselves even further from the real needs of the bereaved. It’s a perversion offered by the factory funeral industries, a $15 billion industry like Service Corporation International a huge corporation providing burial and cremation services, which reported more than $533 million in revenues in one quarter alone! Then there’s the Dignity funeral network of more than 2000 funeral homes, or even the factory-funeral provider Newcomer Funeral Homes where you can get the latest in cookie-cutter, nickle-and-dime-me funerals. Those are just a couple of examples.

For an interesting survey of the 10 corporations that control the funeral service sector, see the Wall Street Journal article, “The Ten Companies That Control The Death Industry”  and think to yourself: How much is it worth to you to sell your peace of mind, your humanity to save a couple of dollars, the cost of a flat-screen TV that will be obsolete as soon as you cart it out of the store. Your peace of mind, your humanity has to last you a lifetime; so does your guilt if you don’t do things right the first time, because you can’t redo the funeral or fix the unfuneral. Question: Are you going to become, like the funeral service industry is trending, one of the rat-eating rats?

In 2014, Forbes published an article “Death Of The Death Care Industry And Eternal Life Online.” It’s another eye-opener if you have a moment to read it.  While the article is a bit dated in its information, and poorly written — but if you’ve visited any of the sites above, you’ll find poor writing the new standard —, and although the information in the Forbes article is not 100% reliable — we hope that the author’s references to Jessica Mitford’s American Way of Death are tongue in cheek—, it will provide you, the reader, with some different perspectives to consider. After all, you do need an awareness base in order to evaluate what you find.

technology-has-exceeded-humanity

Few of our readers are old enough to remember when people were not walking around talking to themselves, or if you do remember you also remember that people doing that usually ended up in a padded cell. Or old enough to remember when people actually conversed over a meal rather than fondling something on their laps, or if you do remember when someone was fondling something on their laps during a meal, they got a slap across the back of the head. Or old enough to remember when we read out of a thick object filled with word-filled pieces of paper that you had to use your fingers to turn, some can remember the fragrance of the paper and the ink, some will remember how the object made your hands and sometimes your heart warm, it was heavy and you knew you had something substantial in your hand; it was called a book. Now you hold a piece of back-lighted or LED illuminated plastic in your hand and can use a head or eye movement to change screens. How human do you feel now? You may feel fascinated, asking yourself, “How does it know that?” But deep inside you must feel threatened? Just like the mouse who’s fascinated by the tasty morsel in the trap, and can’t help itself, until SNAP! Can’t undo that bad decision! It’s no wonder that people are frantically searching for meaning but they’re searching in all the wrong places.

Thogmartin and Co-conspirators at work.

The Great Search for Meaning according to Thogmartin (center, of course)  and Minions.

Their purpose is apparently to advance dehumanization in the most human of professions …

We’re not picking on Ryan Thogmartin and his ilk. Thogmartin and his creations are just a product of a culture of control, a symptom of an epidemic cultural illness, and the people that follow him are like lemmings; they follow into oblivion. The Thogmartins of the world are narcissistic opportunists who need an audience with as little substance and humanity as the Internet medium they use to spread their messages; their purpose is apparently to advance dehumanization in the most human of professions, not the physician’s realm of healthcare — that’s already irretrievably gone down the tubes —, but the funeral director and competent deathcare. The funeral, the ritual, the human element of compassion and companioning that we get only through community, is the only way we can navigate the stormy dips and swells of the work of grief, and come out of it psychologically and spiritually healed. We mustn’t lose sight of that truth or we’re doomed to become what we apparently are so awed by and so love, those dehumanized, soulless, virtual social media creatures called avatars. Remember, an avatar has no mind or spirit of its own; it’s an icon controlled by something outside of itself, a controller.

Take back your humanity!

Recover Your Humanity! The Editor

Recover Your Humanity!
The Editor


The Retreat: Key to Psychospiritual and Physical Self-care.


self-careWhen I write about retreat, I don’t mean those seminars held by local urban churches and similar organizations, events that are anything but retreats. I’m not talking about preregistering sometimes months ahead to sit in some hall or auditorium for several hours listening to a how-to lecture by some crackpot, who does the same thing on a circuit tour, cookie-cutter, over and again. Buy the CD and you’ll be better off. Read the book if you’re into indoctrination rather than psychospiritual and physical healing. So-called urban churches of all denominations and religious communities, some in their death throes and struggling to generate funds, tout these self-help seminars and workshops as “retreats“; they’re not, and here’s why.


First some background…

I’m in a ministry, vocation, profession–call it what you like–that takes an enormous toll on one’s spiritual and emotional capital.  I’m a thanatologist, a death and bereavement chaplain, a psychospiritual counselor.

In my, for lack of a better term let’s call it “profession”, I have to be a sounding board, an active and deep listener for the questions in the statements and the statements in the questions.  I have to authentically and compassionately companion persons experiencing some of the worst moments in their lives, and I have to stay cool, calm, responsive, and compassionate. At times I have to be an advocate for an individual, a group, sometimes an entire community.

Self-care is one of the most neglected mandates in the helping professions

I am one of the greatest proponents and supporters of what we in the helping professions call “self-care.” But what is self-care? Self-care, simply put, is taking care of yourself so that you can care for others. And it’s one of the most neglected mandates in the helping professions such as clergy, funeral directors, doctors, nurses, managers, mothers, fathers, those experiencing recent loss or bereavement. That’s just a short list but I think I’ve made my point. Anyone, everyone who is in a situation that produces stress on a regular basis needs self-care on a regular basis. Even if you find yourself in the position of being a caregiver or a support resource — as would be the situation in bereavement — for a relatively brief time, you should seriously consider a program of self-care.

Self-care can take many forms. For example, one of my year-round self-care activities is fitness training. I work out at a local fitness center regularly. During the good weather months I love to work with my hands in dirt, getting close to the soil. I find cooking very creative and relaxing. Mental and intellectual self-care is reading what I like, not what I have to read to keep up-to-date in my field. All of these things and more can be called self-care but most people may be doing them with the opposite effect: causing themselves stress.

Even the atmosphere of the gym (Planet Fitness) is stressful.

Is this you at the gym?

Is this YOU at the gym?

For example, I go to the gym to relieve stress. I see many people there creating stress, even the atmosphere there is stressful. Here’s why: They rush in, change quickly, then rush out to get somewhere else.  Stress. They bring their phones in with them and are constantly checking something or making or receiving a call.  Stress. They are hurried and get irritated when they can’t access a machine or a piece of equipment when they want it.  Stress. Even the atmosphere of the gym (Planet Fitness) is stressful.  Canned music everywhere you go. Televisions blasting. People shouting trying to be heard above the televisions and their idiotic talking heads and the canned music. All that, dear readers, is NOT self-care; it’s self-abuse.

self-care-drg

I make my gym workout a total experience; not just physical but a workout for the mind and spirit.

In contrast, my gym experience, and the experience I promote in those who seek my advice is like this: My gym time is my self-care time. I am not rushed (I refuse to be rushed). I leave my phone in my car and I don’t check it until I leave the gym. I’m not listening to wild crazy music;  if I listen to anything at all while on the cardio machines it’s either a mantra or a lecture of some sort. I rarely socialize and if I do, I keep it short and sweet.  I make my gym workout a total experience; not just physical but a workout for the mind and spirit.

It’s really comical when some of these so-called retreats are about prayer or meditation!

So, you can understand my objections to calling a one-day seminar or workshop a retreat. You rush in traffic to get there, you rush to find a parking spot. You get in line, get your name tag, and they hand you a plastic binder with everything you need to know. You rush to get the free muffin, bagel or cup of coffee, you gobble that down, then you rush to get prime seating, and you think you are ready to absorb the wisdom of some spiritual or religious pundit, and to appreciate being in the moment, mindful, spiritually renewed — Then it’s lunchtime and you get to sit socializing amid loud conversation and probably intrusive announcements and more elevator music. There’s no silent lunch, no quiet space for medication or reflection. It’s all industrial. They feed you but you’re not nourished in the end. In fact, it’s really comical when some of these so-called retreats are about prayer or meditation! NOT!

The wisdom of the East is contained in the saying:

Let no one neglect one’s own work to do that of another, however great the need. Clearly understanding one’s own welfare, one can concentrate doing good.

what-is-self-care

At New Skete, you’re on personal retreat. Everyone knows that. Everyone respects that.

I go on a regular 3-day, usually a Thursday evening to Sunday noontime, retreat on a monthly basis. I make my retreats at a monastery near Cambridge, New York, the Monastery of New Skete, which is situated on a mountain, surrounded by forest, peace, quiet, nature. The guesthouse, where I sometimes stay when not in the monastery proper, is luxuriously appointed: private suites with private bath, a sitting room, a bedroom, a patio that opens to a meadow or to the forest. A small guesthouse library stocked with religious, spiritual, and secular titles. A large open social space with comfortable chairs and a large wooden table for pizza together or for games. A kitchen with microwave, fridge, free tea and coffee, etc. You can attend morning services (matins) with the monks and beautiful voices, evening services (vespers) before dinner, for a real spiritual moment. In the morning, enjoy a breakfast of cereals, wonderful breads, pretty much anything you’d like. Main meal at noon is home cooked and plentiful; the evening meal is usually a surprise and abundant. You can walk, sit and read, listen to the birds and the breeze in the trees, pray or meditate, visit the training kennels or the puppy kennel on prior arrangement. Bennington is just 12 miles away and Cambridge is a sleepy little town with lots of attractions and a couple good restaurants and coffee houses is 10 minutes down the road, if you find peace and quiet oppressive and need some stress back into your life. With all that you can make an appointment for spiritual guidance from one of the monks, or you can simply sit back and chat with them; they’re genuinely interested in you. Genuinely.

At New Skete, you’re on personal retreat. Everyone knows that. Everyone respects that. Even so, you can make some wonderful personal contacts while there. But the overarching understanding is that you are there for spiritual renewal, on a real retreat, and the bonus is that you leave there not only spiritually renewed but also mentally refreshed and physically rested. That’s retreat, my friends.

A paraphrase of the Dhammapada, the sayings of the Buddha, might sound appropriate at this point:

As a bee gathers honey from the flower without injuring its color or fragrance, so too the wise seeker goes about his or her retreat.

calloused-handsIf you don’t take care of your hands when you are doing heavy or hard work in the yard, you get blisters. If you do that kind of work regularly, your hands become rough, callused and insensitive. It’s only natural and it happens to protect your hands from real damage. If you’re smart you’ll take some measures to protect your hands like using gloves or applying a moisturizing cream. The same principle applies when you are exposed to hard mental or spiritual work like in the helping professions or just being a good parent. Your mind and your soul can get blistered (anger, rage, etc.), callused (insensitive, hardened), or even injured (burnout, depression, etc.) Like hard physical work, these mental and spiritual changes can occur gradually, over time, without you realizing it until, well, it’s too late. There’s a Buddhist saying that milk doesn’t sour over night (My translation: Avoid weeding your garden and see where it gets you). And, as the flood carries away the sleeping village; so too does unawareness seize and carry away the foolish.

Eight Ways a New Skete Retreat Can Heal You

In a recent issue of Organic Life, I was pleased to find confirmation and something like validation of my own teachings on what a retreat should be (I’m attaching a scan of the item below) and I’d like to summarize some of its points below:

  • A lower heart rate: Nature sounds have been shown to lower the heart rate.
  • Pump up your immune system: A forest walk can lower the heart rate and pump up natural killer cell activity (helpful immune cells).
  • Greater compassion:  Studies have shown that gazing at a forest or at treetops caused subjects to feel more compassion and generosity.
  • More friends:  Exposure to green space reduces a feeling of loneliness. Immersion in natural settings is linked to social bonding and stronger interpersonal ties.
  • Increase your brainpower: Even small bursts of time in nature can boost attention spans and exercise levels, improve motor skills.
  • A better state of mind:  Solo time in nature is good for creativity and mental health. Studies report that after a walk in nature subjects had fewer repetitive, depressive thoughts and decreased morose thinking. The recommendation: if you need to solve a problem, take a walk in nature.
  • Deeper and better sleep: Taking a break from toxic indoor air and desk jockeying can give you a cognitive boost; exposure to outdoor light can help to reset your diurnal rhythms, improving the quality of your sleep. Sunshine increases the body’s production of vitamin D, which has been shown to reduce the risk of certain cancers.
  • The Bigger Perspective: Neuroscientist David Strayer has documented the “three-day effect”. Three days spent in a natural surroundings away from the daily grind helps you to tap into certain areas of the brain that can enhance your multi-tasking power. He recommends a three-day retreat in natural surroundings at least once a year. (See: National Geographic, This is Your Brain on Nature, http://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2016/01/call-to-wild/, last accessed on January 27, 2017)

To read the entire piece, please click here Eight Ways Nature can Heal You

forest-trail

You can walk, sit and read, listen to the birds and the breeze in the trees, pray or meditate, visit the training kennels or the puppy kennel on prior arrangement.

If I’ve managed to convince you that you owe yourself the experience of a real retreat, during which you can achieve those eight objectives, and thus experience real psychospiritual and physical benefits, I’m recommending that you contact

Brother Gregory Tobin,  Guestmaster at the New Skete Monastery, (518) 677-3928/ brgregory@newskete.org

Form more information and some stunning photography, visit the New Skete website

Monks Monastery
273 New Skete Lane
Cambridge, NY 12816
518-677-3928

Sign up for the New Skete Newsletter

The New Skete Guesthouse

The New Skete Guesthouse

You can have your self-care  retreat at New Skete, meals, accommodation, comfort and renewal for a fraction of the cost of a modest hotel room. (The suggested donation is $80/day. It’s a donation and, depending on your financial situation, whatever you can reasonably afford is acceptable. Your generosity is humbly appreciated.). The donation you make to the Monks of New Skete for your retreat includes your accommodation in the guesthouse, meals, and access to the beautiful amenities of the monastery properties such as meadows, forest, hiking trails, beautiful sacred spaces, meditation paths, and so much more! Your donation is also tax deductible

New Skete is just about 1 hour from Albany, New York, through beautiful countryside. Just the drive is worth the effort but the New Skete experience is otherworldly.

Editor’s Note: In 2016, the 50th anniversary of the New Skete Monastic Community, the community inaugurated the unique opportunity to become a Companion of New Skete:

The Unique Companions of New Skete Cross

The Unique Companions of New Skete Cross

In 2016 New Skete celebrated its 50th anniversary. The monks at New Skete believe and are committed to those values that are crucial to a living and vital spirituality and faith, and they welcome all seekers regardless of denomination or tradition, and are further dedicated to responding to the call to extend those values to those outside the monastic community, to those who especially share those ideals. Today’s world presents profound challenges for anyone seeking to journey along such a path; the support of a wider community is needed to help each of us stay faithful to our calling. If you share the vision of fellowship in spiritual community in the world, and the ideals of the Companions of New Skete speak to you, we encourage you to contact The Companions of New Skete, in care of the monastery. Be transcendent, become part of something bigger than yourself.

To learn more, please visit the special Companions of New Skete site.


Is there a sinister relationship between careerist clergy and dilligent funeral service professionals?


what-we-do


My recent article was actually meant for funeral services professionals but since it has important relevance for all of my readers, I decided that I would post it for the general readership. This is just an abstract of the whole article, which and be downloaded or read on line at What we do and how we do it makes the ultimate difference!

We have to think about what we do...

We have to think about what we do…

There is a disturbing trend in the funeral services industry that threatens to undermine the most sacred rites of passage and transition human beings ever experience, and its aftermath is likely to be worse than we ever could have imagined. This trend is incarnate in amateurs and dilettantes foisting their services as funeral and memorial celebrants on the unwary and vulnerable bereaved. In the past, the worst we had to deal with was indifferent boring clergy and finicky funeral directors offering cookie – cutter funeral and memorial services. There was a pitiful collusion between the funeral director and certain clergy, who held their congregations in a strangle hold of obligatory, staid, incomprehensible rituals. Another factor in this deplorable development is the fact that although we wallow in abundance we sleep in the lap of self–centeredness and abandon much of what might distinguish us as compassionate beings; we allow our customers to abandon all notion of proper care and dignity for our dead, opting for cut–rate funerals, abridged opportunities for closure, quick fix funeralization, the worst of which is direct burial and cremation. Today’s western culture seems to have enough money for flat – screen televisions, multiple cars in the driveway, every conceivable electronic toy but not enough money to give grandpa, mom or dad a decent, dignified, loving send – off. It’s really embarrassing how families today are so dysfunctional and how they have marginalized even their dead. And Yes! we funeralization professionals can all meet our obligations while serving our families and avoiding the impression of cookie – cutter services, and “one size fits all” routines, or the ever – present risk of making a judgment and then having to make an apology. So this paper is about boundaries and competency, about establishing relationships, about communications, about you and your appreciation of the boundaries between the mortuary services you provide and the spiritual care services the chaplain provides. Boundaries should not be viewed as obstacles but as safeguards and reminders of the essential humility of our professions. I do not believe that by meeting our obligations as death – care professionals we are not violating any boundaries by gently but firmly educating our the families and survivors we serve about their traditional family obligations even, especially in the difficult moments surrounding bereavement.

Please download or read this revealing and thought-provoking article by clicking this link: What we do and how we do it makes the ultimate difference!

funeral-life-lifetime

Thank you all! Peace and blessings at this wonderful winter holiday season!

Rev. Ch. Harold


Several Blogs Take up The Ministry Slack


danger wrong wayThe era in which we now live has been called many things, including post-modern and even post-Christian. Perhaps that’s true, and perhaps we, especially we Americans, are the authors of our own crises.

If it isn’t happy-happy, a pseudo-love fest, shiny, new, attractive, or electronic, we deny it or dispose of it. Just like we do to our once-venerated elderly. Just like we do to our once reverenced dead.

The last nature we will control is our own human nature and then we shall have destroyed humankind as we know it. (C.S. Lewis, Abolition of Man)

As C.S. Lewis writes in his Abolition of Man, we have gone from stewards to controllers to destroyers of Nature. As C.S. Lewis writes, we were once stewards of Nature, and then we strove and are striving to control Nature. The last nature we will control is our own human nature and then we shall have destroyed humankind as we know it. Humanity will have been abolished. Are we approaching that point now, where, as in C.S. Lewis, we have lost all sense of morality and elect few are making the rules, defining the morality by which we live? We have the great modern prophets but only very few of us read them.

The great age of horror films and modern morality plays on screen have been filed away in the archives of cinematology; they made us think about the unthinkable, our own souls, our fears, our itinerary through life cycles. There was crass exposé but also beauty and elegance. What do we have today but the product of computer algorithms and sound mixing, “entertaining” or rather “distracting” from the real issues and blunting human intelligence and sensuality with a pornography of death, a pornography of violence, and a degradation of the human spirit. You have become a means to the materialist capitalist end; you have become examples of ethics most abhorrent violation: A human being should never become a means to an end. But you say, some of this travesty of humanity does some good. We do some good in the Third World. Blind. Horribly blind. Another ethical principle states that an evil act shall not be used to achieve a good end. We make too many excuses for our bad behaviour and we correct pitifully little. Can we still make a claim to a moral high ground? Do we even remember what the moral high ground is? At what price do we take the post-modern, post-Christian high ground?

“We arrive at the destination without every having experienced the trip.”  (Anthony DeMello, S.J.)

postmodern humanityThe late Jesuit psychiatrist and motivational speaker, Anthony DeMello, described our human condition so aptly in his little parable about the people on a train. DeMello: “We are like people riding on a train to a final destination. The train is passing through some breathtakingly beautiful scenery but we have the shades drawn on the windows and don’t appreciate what’s outside of the car. We are all very busy arguing and discussing what we will do when we arrive, and who will be in charge. We arrive at the destination without every having experienced the trip.” We’re too busy doing and not being, no living.

I am a professional bereavement chaplain, a thanatologist. I deal with the dead, both the reposing and the walking ones. I see firsthand how shallow, lost, afraid people are when faced with mystery. I also see how institutionalized religion has failed them. Religion has failed them in the past because it attempted to use spurious and unconscionable means to control the faithful by fear, ignorance, and coercion. In today’s world, institutionalized religion attempts to control by more insidious means, more hypocritical means. Relativism has entered the Church through a small crack, just as Paul VI warned about the liturgical reforms instituted by Vatican II, “The smoke of Satan has entered the Temple through a small crack.”  We are paying a steep spiritual price for trying to renew something that is not in need of renovation.

In his masterwork, The Space of Death, Jean Ragon quotes Jean Ziegler (Les Vivants et la Mort, 1975), “The dead are human beings who have ceased to function…They no longer produce or consume.” How poignant. How thought-provoking. Ragon continues in his chapter on “Functionalism and Death”:

“The men of the Renaissance and the classical age saw the human body as architecture; the men of our industrial civilization tend rather to compare it to a machine; a machine which wears out, parts of which may be replaced, and which one day will become unusable.”

needleIn 1969, in Great Britain, a bill was proposed intended to legalize social euthanesia on the grounds that no useful purpose was served by prolonging human life beyond a certain age. The legislators fixed the “useful age” at eighty. Think of it this way: the post-modern elites will brainwash you from age 5 to 17 or 18, impoverish you by “educating” you from 18-24, use you until age 65, then retire you until age 80. At 80 you get the needle. Nice? The bill may not have passed in 1969, but in 1970 the English translation of the Vatican II documents were completed and reached the English-speaking world. Spiritual euthanesia followed. After spiritual euthanesia, moral and political depravity followed: we have abortion, even partial-birth abortion; we have been stuck with the biomedical model of health and healthcare for more than 100 years; we have assisted suicide in which even physicians participate; we are ruled by a corporate elite; we have been insidiously desensitized, dehumanized, blunted. Relativism has become our guiding light.

In the mid-19th century Friedrich Nietsche announced that “God is dead.” A new god had to be created. A race of superhumans would arise to create that god and to rule over the masses. Guess what?

Where have we left our children?

Where have we left our children?

As a thanatologist I can freely say that for most, their flavor of a god is either dead or dying. I can include the general pubic as well as clergy in that statement. We no longer have a model of morality or saintliness. Even popes have become politicians … wait, did I write “have become?” Mea culpa!

By denying the destination we deny the journey; by denying death, we deny life.

We need to throw open the shades on our train and take in the landscape through which we are passing…before it’s too late.  for many of my readers, they’ve already missed most of it and for some, well, they’re already detraining. We are conceived in sleep, we are born in sleep, we go through life asleep and we die…ASLEEP. By denying the destination we deny the journey; by denying death, we deny life.

That’s why I’d like to encourage you, my dear readers, to visit the Thanatology Café resource.
A New Feature: Articles and Essays
skulls

Learn More about Death and Dying.

I am Principal Facilitator at Thanatology Café and I write about a number of subjects relating to death, dying, grief, and the funeral services profession. Published on several blogs these articles have stimulated interest among people who never thought they’d be talking about the dread subject of death, and those readers and participants in local Thanatology Cafés have asked for more about the subject of thanatology; so many readers have requested copies of “the Chaplain’s” essays and articles;  responding to every individual request has been quite a task. To make it easier for anyone interested in reading my essays and articles (my homilies are published on Homiletics and Spiritual Care), I’ve decided to create an online page on the Thanatology Café blog, where you can click on the essay title and either read the article online or download it. It’s that easy!

The article “Interfaith Bereavement Chaplain — An Essential Asset” is actually an article written for the benefit of funeral homes and funeral directors, and gives them a good talking-to about how they are failing to provide the bereaved with essential grief services and aftercare. It’s a must read if you are going to make pre-arrangements or are making arrangements for a loved one. Local funeral homes like Babcock Funeral Home (Ravena), especially (!) with their expensive and shoddy services, and A.J. Cunningham (Greenville and Ravena), the Capital District’s very own “factory funeral home”, Newcomer Funeral Home, could learn a lot from that articel.

deathThe article, “Why is Funeralization Desirable and Necessary” is directed more to the consumer than to the funeral director, although funeral directors could benefit considerably from this article. It focuses mainly on the benefits of the traditional funeral for survivors and mourners. It’s a must-read for anyone who is or will be involved in funeral arrangements — that means everyone!

One of the most interesting articles is “Plain Talk About Cremation,” which is a real eye-opener for anyone considering cremation as a final disposition of their mortal remains.

Those articles and more are available on the Thanatology Cafe Blog page, “Articles & Essays.”

Click this link to go directly to New Feature: Articles and Essays.

As soon as we have it, we’ll also be publishing the September and October Thanatology Café program for the RCS area. Stay tuned and stay informed! That’s the best place to talk about death, dying, grief, mourning and other death-related topics.

Please let me know how you like “the Chaplain’s” new service.

Happy reading! The Editor

Happy reading!
The Editor

Source: A New Feature: Articles and Essays

Other blogs by the Chaplain include:

 


Thanatology Café: A Community Service and a Bereavement Ministry


Pastoral aspects, especially in terms of bereavement ministries, are part of the Thanatology Café experience.

crying-dying

This past May 7,  the second video in the “Death: A personal understanding” series started the discussion of what is the dying person and how that person transforms to him or herself and to those around them when a diagnosis of terminal disease is made, and death is a short time away. How did these three women react to the diagnosis of their terminal cancers? How did their loved ones react? What were their hopes for themselves and for their loved ones?

Click this link to read the Thanatology Café blog and follow the blog to get regular updates.

The next regular monthly meeting of Thantology Café is planned for June 11, 2016, at the RCS Community Library, from 2:00-4:00 p.m. Please let the organizers know if you plan to attend by either sending an email to thanatology.cafe@gmail.com or by signing up at the RCS Community Library (just ask a staffer for the sign-up sheet). The public is welcome. Refreshments will be available.

flowers+gravestone


Thanatology Café – Mark your calendar.


The Next Session of Thanatology Café will be on

Saturday, May 7, 2016, from 2:00 —4:00 p.m.
in the Community Room
RCS Community Library
95 Main Street
Ravena, New York

We ask that you sign up at the RCS Community Library or at thanatology.cafe@gmail.com so that the organizers have some idea of how many participants will join us and so that we can plan for refreshments.

The topic of the session and the accompanying video for discussion will be:

May 7, 2016, Video 2. The Dying Person
When we are told that we are terminally ill, we are defined, more than ever, by the limits of our bodies. In this program, we meet three women — each diagnosed with a different form of cancer — who handle their limitations in different ways. The role of palliative care is viewed in depth, as well as how family relationships change under the pressure of the diagnosis.

The recent National Geographic articles on death and Victorian mortuary photography will be part of the discussion on the topic of how we view death and dying.

One-on-one discussion will follow with Ch. Harold for those who want to discuss personal issues.

 

Let's talk about it.

Let’s talk about it.

We are working on offering the Thanatology Café program at the Albany Public Libraries, the Guilderland Public Library, Troy Public Library and the Bethlehem (Delmar) Public Library. If you live in those areas and are interested in joining the conversation, please let us know. We’ll be happy to start a local program near you. Just let us know at thanatology.café@gmail.com.
You can also follow this blog and receive automatic notification whenever a new post appears or a comment is posted.


The Conversation is about Death: Thanatology Café.


Thanatology Café will meet on Saturday, April 9, 2016, at 2:00 p.m. at the RCS Community Library, 95 Main Street, Ravena, New York.


The experience of a death brings with it a host of emotions including anxiety, loss, sadness, depression, and anger, and many more. You need to talk to someone about these experiences but it has to be someone who is nonjudgmental, who knows how to listen, who has had similar experience and wants to share your pain. We call that person a wounded helper.

heart to heart


When my husband was killed, I felt an overwhelming sense of isolation, anxiety, anger. As I made my way through my daily and weekly routines, I felt weighed down by something I really couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I heard about Thanatology Café and decided to give it a try even though I was never one to sit and share in a discussion group. Now I am amazed by how much I look forward to the monthly two-hour gathering and to the occasional “extraordinary” session when I can sit in a room with others who truly understand are want to hear about what I am going through. We wounded healers have met have become so special to each other and share such strength and support. I don’t feel so alone because I realize others suffer, too, but differently. In this room with our facilitator and my companions, I have the courage to face life and death, to talk about it, to heal, and to laugh again.” [Anonymous]


The quote above describes a very common sentiment, one that you may be experiencing when thinking about joining the Thanatology Café group. The death of someone close to you suddenly and violently changes your life. You are faced with a multitude of emotions all at once, with unpleasant experiences, hard decisions, and unexpected changes that need to be confronted and managed; the unthinkable has to be assimilated into what was once a normal life but is now a life changed forever.

To read, print or download my complete essay, click this link A discussion group_who needs it_handout.

Thanatology Café Rev. Ch. Harold Principal Facilitator

Thanatology Café
Rev. Ch. Harold
Principal Facilitator


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